Fire & Gasoline

Hello Lovelies. My name is Jordan Nicole. I am a very analytical person. I have always had a hard time believing in things that I can't see or haven't experienced. I think that in a way I use logic as a defense mechanism. It provides a clean way to deal with emotions that I can't handle. Questioning love is a natural thing for me. Nevertheless I have dreamt of the day that my future husband will walk into my life and prove to me that true love exists. 

I have always believed that when you know, you know. My parents met and six months later said, "I do." because they knew that they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. In my heart I just knew that I would know when I met the person I would spend my life with. There would be no questioning. I would just know. 

I don't want to pick the person I marry because they look pretty on paper and meet a check list. I want to believe in love and believe in the fact that meeting the person whom I was meant to have come into my life will make me never question true love again. There is a problem with this train of thought though. How does a person who makes every decision based on logic accept that knowing you love someone is enough? 

It has been crossing my mind lately that there is a fine line between perfect together and toxic. Everything being wonderful at times does not equal being meant for each other. Sometimes I think that it is easy to fall into an unhealthy pattern and not notice that you're there. Does disagreeing on the way that your relationship is playing out mean that you can't agree on the basic aspects of life? Have I put myself in a position to think that no relationship is ever playing out the way I would like? 

In some way I think that I set up a toxic relationship before I ever met the person I will marry. He walked into a situation that he couldn't win. I set him up. Which hurts me. I don't want to put the person I love more than anything into a position to be unhappy. 

I've put a lot of faith into believing in love. Have I created a pressure for the person that I marry by doing that? Sometimes I think I have. He is the person who will open my eyes to love and, in some ways, that makes me think that I will have opened his eyes to it as well. That isn't fair. The person that I am meant to be with could be someone who has an open heart and has never questioned that love is out there... How can that man live up to the standard of me changing the way he thinks? He can't. 

The question that remains for me is.. Did I set this up for myself because of my personality? Or was I given such a beautiful example of what love and marriage are that I have unrealistic standards? 

I mapped out my dream life from a young age. I don't know if that was a bad thing. I do know that nobody wants the princess fairytale that they dreamed up when they were a child to ultimately haunt the real life fairytale. 

I have met the man that I know I want to be with for the rest of my life. I knew that on our first date. The first time I heard his voice it was like nothing I had ever felt before. I had to catch my breath when I looked at the man who belonged to that voice. When my eyes met his they were so magnificent. I think I saw the truth of the world in them. 

I am so afraid that he has walked into a relationship that I wanted to go a certain way. I decided how I wanted my relationship to go before I met the man I would be in a relationship with. There is no way that was going to be successful. You can not make a person fit a mold. I would never want to make him fit a mold anyways. I love him. I love who he is. I love his heart. 

I wish I could go back to 20 years ago when I started to map out how I wanted the relationship with the man I married to be. I didn't know that I was affecting the way that things in my life would play out. 

I just don't want to be the reason that we fall into a toxic pattern. I want us to be happy. 

I want him to continue to love me without resentment. 

I want him to ask me to marry him. I want to walk down an aisle where he is standing waiting for me. I want to build a life with him. I want to have his babies. 

I'm not going to let us fall into a bad place. I won't let some notion of what love should be cloud what love is. We will not become fire and gasoline. 

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.