Fire & Gasoline

Hello Lovelies. My name is Jordan Nicole. I am a very analytical person. I have always had a hard time believing in things that I can't see or haven't experienced. I think that in a way I use logic as a defense mechanism. It provides a clean way to deal with emotions that I can't handle. Questioning love is a natural thing for me. Nevertheless I have dreamt of the day that my future husband will walk into my life and prove to me that true love exists. 

I have always believed that when you know, you know. My parents met and six months later said, "I do." because they knew that they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. In my heart I just knew that I would know when I met the person I would spend my life with. There would be no questioning. I would just know. 

I don't want to pick the person I marry because they look pretty on paper and meet a check list. I want to believe in love and believe in the fact that meeting the person whom I was meant to have come into my life will make me never question true love again. There is a problem with this train of thought though. How does a person who makes every decision based on logic accept that knowing you love someone is enough? 

It has been crossing my mind lately that there is a fine line between perfect together and toxic. Everything being wonderful at times does not equal being meant for each other. Sometimes I think that it is easy to fall into an unhealthy pattern and not notice that you're there. Does disagreeing on the way that your relationship is playing out mean that you can't agree on the basic aspects of life? Have I put myself in a position to think that no relationship is ever playing out the way I would like? 

In some way I think that I set up a toxic relationship before I ever met the person I will marry. He walked into a situation that he couldn't win. I set him up. Which hurts me. I don't want to put the person I love more than anything into a position to be unhappy. 

I've put a lot of faith into believing in love. Have I created a pressure for the person that I marry by doing that? Sometimes I think I have. He is the person who will open my eyes to love and, in some ways, that makes me think that I will have opened his eyes to it as well. That isn't fair. The person that I am meant to be with could be someone who has an open heart and has never questioned that love is out there... How can that man live up to the standard of me changing the way he thinks? He can't. 

The question that remains for me is.. Did I set this up for myself because of my personality? Or was I given such a beautiful example of what love and marriage are that I have unrealistic standards? 

I mapped out my dream life from a young age. I don't know if that was a bad thing. I do know that nobody wants the princess fairytale that they dreamed up when they were a child to ultimately haunt the real life fairytale. 

I have met the man that I know I want to be with for the rest of my life. I knew that on our first date. The first time I heard his voice it was like nothing I had ever felt before. I had to catch my breath when I looked at the man who belonged to that voice. When my eyes met his they were so magnificent. I think I saw the truth of the world in them. 

I am so afraid that he has walked into a relationship that I wanted to go a certain way. I decided how I wanted my relationship to go before I met the man I would be in a relationship with. There is no way that was going to be successful. You can not make a person fit a mold. I would never want to make him fit a mold anyways. I love him. I love who he is. I love his heart. 

I wish I could go back to 20 years ago when I started to map out how I wanted the relationship with the man I married to be. I didn't know that I was affecting the way that things in my life would play out. 

I just don't want to be the reason that we fall into a toxic pattern. I want us to be happy. 

I want him to continue to love me without resentment. 

I want him to ask me to marry him. I want to walk down an aisle where he is standing waiting for me. I want to build a life with him. I want to have his babies. 

I'm not going to let us fall into a bad place. I won't let some notion of what love should be cloud what love is. We will not become fire and gasoline. 

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

Braid Envy

Hello Lovelies. My name is Jordan Nicole. These days it seems that the entire world has gone braid crazy. Everywhere I look I see a chunky, thick braid. Now I won't deny that I am completely on board with the braid obsession. I am fully a part of the braid club. The only problem with this is that since September I have cut off about 16 inches of hair. That doesn't leave me with much to play with. Braid require a lot of hair. I mean half of the tutorials I see on them require some form of extensions. I don't have the money for that and honestly I don't think that they could blend with my short hair at this point.

Braids are gorgeous and if I could I would have some different, fun one in my hair every day. The reality is that my short hair stops that from being possible. I absolutely post a thousand pictures of braids on my Tumblr in an attempt to satisfy my braid cravings. I need an outlet for my love after all.

I am sad that I can't participate in the obsession with my own hair but it was so healthy for me to cut my hair off. I was so dependent on my hair to feel pretty that it just wasn't good for my self esteem. Pretty hair is not the only good thing I have to offer and actively having that mindset needed to change. I used to claim that I wasn't pretty, I just knew how to hide behind my hair well. It is sad to think about. I am so much more than my hair and cutting it short was a huge step for me. If growing as a person and obtaining more self esteem by cutting of my hair means that I don't get to have gorgeous braids then I think I'm alright with that.

Ultimately I'm not sure why I am so jealous of long hair and voluptuous braids because in all reality less than six months ago I had hair to my waist and, guess what, I was completely useless with it. I tried and tried to do braids but I am just inept in the hair department. I can straighten my unruly curls and I can sometimes manage putting a real curl in my hair. I always thought my long hair was waisted on me because I couldn't do anything with it. Maybe some day I will grow my hair back out and suddenly develop a talent with hair. In the mean time, my hair is short and I'm going to rock it. Braid free and all.

That doesn't mean I can't sit and admire all of the gorgeous braids out there. Hopefully without any jealousy.

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. 

Rest & Recovery

Hello Lovelies. My name is Jordan Nicole. Today I am restricted to my bed in an attempt to get over being poorly. I knew I was going downhill earlier this week so I went to the doctor to try and get ahead of it. That was obviously not successful seeing as I am in bed for the weekend. I am aware that I need to rest in order to get better but in the time I've been in my bed I have only gotten worse. I hate being stuck in my bed and it is even harder to stay sitting here when I'm not getting any better. I've cheated quite a bit with cleaning and tidying up my apartment but I need to keep my sanity over here!

In the responsible part of my brain I understand that being stuck in my bed for the entire weekend is going to make my life much easier come Monday... but in the childish part of my brain I just want to get out of bed and go frolic through some fields. I'm sure the pollen would do wonders for my health! The weather has been so gorgeous and the little glimpses I have gotten make me sad that I can't take advantage of the beautiful days before the icky winter weeks come upon us. We are nearly to the last week of January/first week of February and where I'm from that means bad news weather wise.. most of the time at least. Our weather has some personality issues but I'm hoping the therapy might help.

Back to the fact that I am going crazy trying to not be sick anymore. I've always had a hard time with being sick because I don't like to be stuck somewhere. I also am not patient about it. When I start taking medicine I want to instantly feel better. I basically set myself up for disappointment because obviously medicine does not work this way. Why haven't we gotten to that point, by the way? I need magical medical cures researchers, please and thank you. Some of my problems with being sick might stem from my issues with letting other people help me. I broke my foot this past summer and it was one of the most difficult things I've been through, not from the pain which really was awful, but from the dependency it brought into my life. I want to be the caregiver, not the patient. I'm working on that trait.

To top off the fact that I feel horrible and am stuck in bed, I also happened to get my period this week as well. That was just a cruel joke from the universe. Why do I have to add cramps and sore boobs to my congested, head pressure filled body? I am pushing through all of this of course, I just needed a little venting session. I also thought I could ask for any advice on way to accept being stuck in bed for the duration of my sickness. Any ideas? How do y'all push through getting sick? If I don't come up with any new ideas pretty soon then I may be getting out of this apartment and just ignoring being sick for the last day of the weekend!

Hopefully this sickness clears my system fairly soon. Until then...

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. 

One of Twelve

Hello Lovelies. My name is Jordan Nicole. 2016 is here. An entirely new year just rolled around so quickly that I am still staring 2014 in the eye. I'm not sure if aging just gives you a different perspective on time or if you just have less variety to break up the years but I feel like I have managed to blink and miss a few.

I don't want to have another year roll by without really taking the time to see it. I think that New Years resolutions are a positive thing but maybe the focus of them should be a little less vain and a little more retrospective. I think that as the digital world becomes a larger part of the real world we all need to be sure to stop and take a harder look at the real one. Experience each moment. Make memories that can break up time because in its essence time is an illusion. Unless you create moments that can define it, then time blurs together.

One of my goals for this year is to live moments. Live them in a way that makes them memorable. I want to cherish my relationships as well as myself. Alone time can be as meaningful as any experience with others. Those are the moments that really define who you are. When you only have yourself then you aren't putting on a facade for the world to see. You are the only person that you know will always be there with you. Might as well get to know yourself.

Lets spend time this year creating memories. Lets spend this year cherishing the time we are given, you can't get it back. Lets spend this year nurturing our relationships with the people who we hold near to our hearts. Lets spend this year changing, observing, learning and growing.

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.